Big Little Girl

I call Abrielle my “big” girl even though she is still very little. 🙂 At a recent doctor appointment she weighed in at 10 lbs 12 oz which is a lot of weight gain considering she started at 6 lbs 1 oz!
At 2 months old, Abrielle:

likes mornings and loves morning playtime

is getting pretty good at holding herself up during tummy time

hates it when I try to change her diaper when she really wanted to nurse

likes lying on her play gym and looking up at her toys

sleeps 4-5 hours for the first part of the night, eats and then we get another 2-3 hours

We are seeing these smiles pretty often now!

Had her first roadtrip in early September

Visited Daddy at his taekwondo tournament

And was generally just too cute for words!




Special Protection

As a new mom, I’ve found it hard to write any blog posts that aren’t just pictures. It’s not that I don’t have a ton of thoughts running through my mind, it’s more that I’ve been too angry/hurt/confused to share them. The birth of my daughter was a very traumatic event for me. A stalled out labor led to a homebirth transferring to the hospital and ended in a c-section.

Since Abrielle’s arrival about 10 weeks ago, I’ve experienced a kaleidoscope of emotions which I finally realized has been a process of grieving. I am so thrilled to have a healthy daughter, but was so incredibly disappointed with my birth experience. I have felt robbed, betrayed, hurt, angry, and guilty. You name it.

I find myself feeling angry with God. A c-section has always been my worst fear. I have wondered why God didn’t shield me from it. Why didn’t He protect me from a really awful chain of events? In my heart, I want to find someone to blame. Was it my fault? Was it human error? Was it God’s fault? Am I being punished? I hear a scream in my head asking God, “How was this ‘your best for me’ ??!!” I question the verse in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Yesterday I realized something. I am not omnipotent. Big shocker, I know. I am imagining that I know how things would have gone if just a couple things in early labor had been different. I am imagining that God has harmed me, that the incredibly painful back labor and the c-section were some kind of punishment inflicted on me.

I realized yesterday that the chain of events was divinely orchestrated and may very well have been God’s special protection for me and Abrielle.  I want to blame Him for what I consider a very negative experience, but perhaps this was His special protection to save mine and Abrielle’s life. I can’t know and will never know in this life.

Romans 9:20, “ No, don’t say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, “Why have you made me like this?’ “