As a new mom, I’ve found it hard to write any blog posts that aren’t just pictures. It’s not that I don’t have a ton of thoughts running through my mind, it’s more that I’ve been too angry/hurt/confused to share them. The birth of my daughter was a very traumatic event for me. A stalled out labor led to a homebirth transferring to the hospital and ended in a c-section.
Since Abrielle’s arrival about 10 weeks ago, I’ve experienced a kaleidoscope of emotions which I finally realized has been a process of grieving. I am so thrilled to have a healthy daughter, but was so incredibly disappointed with my birth experience. I have felt robbed, betrayed, hurt, angry, and guilty. You name it.
I find myself feeling angry with God. A c-section has always been my worst fear. I have wondered why God didn’t shield me from it. Why didn’t He protect me from a really awful chain of events? In my heart, I want to find someone to blame. Was it my fault? Was it human error? Was it God’s fault? Am I being punished? I hear a scream in my head asking God, “How was this ‘your best for me’ ??!!” I question the verse in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Yesterday I realized something. I am not omnipotent. Big shocker, I know. I am imagining that I know how things would have gone if just a couple things in early labor had been different. I am imagining that God has harmed me, that the incredibly painful back labor and the c-section were some kind of punishment inflicted on me.
I realized yesterday that the chain of events was divinely orchestrated and may very well have been God’s special protection for me and Abrielle. I want to blame Him for what I consider a very negative experience, but perhaps this was His special protection to save mine and Abrielle’s life. I can’t know and will never know in this life.
Romans 9:20, “ No, don’t say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, “Why have you made me like this?’ “